To yourself:

Hearing the news from your doctor may not be the same as actually understanding you have cancer. You may go into shock and be unsure what the doctor really said. You may be convinced the doctor was wrong. Be gentle with yourself as you experience the feelings that come from a cancer diagnosis. As you learn to cope with your disease, don’t worry about appearing happy or cheerful if that’s not how you feel. Tell the truth, ask for help when you need it, and prioritize—give emphasis to important things and "don’t sweat the small stuff."

To the patient:

If a family member breaks the news, he or she should tell the patient everything the doctors have said about the diagnosis. Keeping secrets can cause resentment or make family members appear dishonest, and patients need information about the diagnosis in order to make critical decisions regarding treatments and their lives.

To family:

Choose your own time, place, and words for sharing the news of the cancer diagnosis. Your family may express a wide range of reactions to your diagnosis. One person may be angry while another insists that the doctors are wrong. One may become antisocial while another become more outgoing. Understand that these are all normal ways of coping with the situation, and that each individual’s reactions will change a number of times.

Let your family know they can be honest and open with you about their feelings and that you will be honest and open with them as well. Viewing your family as members of your care team—communicating honestly with them about your feelings, asking for help when needed, keeping them informed of both good and bad developments with your health—will strengthen your relationships and enable you to work together more effectively as routines change.

There will be hard times. The patient or family member may vent feelings of anger or frustration. Family members may be out of step with one another—one feeling optimistic while the other feels pessimistic; one becoming overly helpful while another avoids home and family. Keep in mind that the true target of negative feelings is the cancer, not the individual, and that everyone has his or her own way of coping. Openly discussing these issues leads to increased respect and understanding.

To children:

Children often mirror the reactions of the adults in the family, so wait until you have gotten through your initial emotions before telling your children of your diagnosis. However, keep in mind that children will sense something is wrong or someone outside the home will say something, so it’s not wise to withhold information from them for long, even if you believe this is protecting them. Ultimately, you are demonstrating that your family can work together to cope with stressful times.

In a two-parent family, both parents should be there to tell the children. Single parents may want a friend or relative present when they break the news. Give the children accurate information in words they can understand, and tailor the amount of information given to the child’s ability to comprehend. Talk about changes to family routines and assure the children they will be cared for. Make sure they understand how long treatment will last and know about side effects like hair loss, fatigue, and nausea. Let them ask questions and answer honestly.

Every child will react differently. Try to get your child to talk about his or her feelings if you see changes in behavior or personality. Huntsman Cancer Institute has a professionally led support group for children who have a relative with cancer and can help you find a social worker or psychiatrist if needed.

To friends:

Your friends may express a wide range of reactions to your diagnosis and treatment. Some may avoid you, unsure of what to say or do. Others may become overly protective and considerate. Provide them with whatever information you feel comfortable with, including your type and stage of cancer, its treatments, your feelings, and what they can do to help you.

There is no rule for how much information you share with members of your social group. Speak up if you don’t feel like discussing aspects of your disease or treatment or if you don’t want to share that information with a specific person.

To a potential romantic partner:

Letting a potential romantic partner know about your diagnosis is your decision. Trust your judgment and remember that you are not responsible for the other person’s reaction.

To your employer:

When, how, and how much you tell your employer is a personal decision. Before you talk to him or her, find out from your health-care team how your treatment and recovery will impact your job, including whether you will need to take time off. If you anticipate problems, contact a social worker and review the following Federal acts, which are in place to protect your rights:

Americans With Disabilities Act: This act can protect you when seeking a new job. You cannot be forced to take a medical exam before being hired. After hiring, the employer can only ask medical questions relevant to your ability to perform duties on the job.

Family and Medical Leave Act: Most employers will try to work around your treatments. It’s a good idea to keep a record of talks with your employer and benefits personnel and to keep copies of performance reviews, memos, and letters regarding your employment. Get legal advice if you feel you are treated unfairly in the workplace.

"Coping With a Cancer Diagnosis" - Table of Contents >>  Be a Member of Your Health Care Team >>  Riding the Rollercoaster: Emotional and Physical Changes >>  Impact on Family and Friends >>  Breaking the News >>  Social Work